In a session this week, my therapist asked me to go back to a horrible memory, one of abuse. I voiced it in a previous session and hoped I was done with it. Why can’t speaking traumatic memories be enough? In talk therapy, I would have been done and moved on. Voicing it the first time was unbearable and sent me spiraling into several weeks of depression. I have learned that speaking memories is never enough for me. I remain detached from memories; I have not integrated my emotion into them. Although I didn’t need to verbalize the details of this memory, still I had to be in it, to hurt for what it was…and recognize what parts of it caused me pain.
I get it now
I get why I have to go back to awful memories. She didn’t ask me to relive it or voice any detail, but I had to at least be in it to feel the emotion. I thought that because I’m sad so often, depressed, I’m already feeling it. But that’s not the same thing. Being depressed is horrible, but it is not feeling the emotion of a particular experience. I cannot be done with the experience, let it go, until I feel it fully and let my body respond.
When I tell my memories to my therapist, or my friend…the words are not enough. The memories are like scripts that replay in my head, and not always accurate ones. They are detached stories, with no emotion integrated into them. Although I can tell the stories, it is difficult – my heart races…my vision goes black at times…the air is sucked out of me…I lose contact with everything and everyone near me. I am always swept into this weird vortex with my world swirling around me. The words somehow come out, but I cannot FEEL actual emotion with the stories. Just panic.
My mind separates from each story, even while telling it. The only feeling is the panic of trying to push it past my lips. Lying on my back, being IN it, with the support of the therapist I trust next to me, allowed me to feel it for what it was. And this in turn allowed for the accurate emotion to become part of my story.
connecting my mind and body
Somatic therapy helps me to find the specific emotions and once I find them I can kick or punch or cry or push or yell. I can do everything I wish I could have done in those moments years ago.
My memory feels different now. It’s still on my mind, even more so for awhile than before, but it’s different. It’s a modified script now. And it wasn’t only because I felt it all. The experience of going back to it with support made it different. Having someone I trust there, holding my hand, being physically close, changed the experience. When I was unable to be kind to that young part of me, to feel nothing but anger and disgust toward myself, she was there to help fill that gap – to be kind to that part of me until I could do it myself. The body work is my own, but her presence helps lead me to let go of the blame.
my own strength and hers too
I needed protection in that memory and it was as if I could use her capacities, not just my own to go back to it and feel it. I needed support NOW to face it, but as I lay there with my eyes closed, feeling her hand, she also became the support I needed THEN, when I had none and couldn’t process it.
Now throughout the week, I’m processing it, just a little at a time, but I’m moving through it each day.
naming what happened
Naming what happened also changed my script. Feeling and speaking what I wanted at that moment, what I needed in that experience, what was making me so terribly confused and hurt…that changed the story. Speaking those feelings with my eyes closed as if I was in the experience is very different than reciting a detached and memorized story.
authenticity
It made my innocence real. It made me authentic. Being authentic is what I’ve always craved. When parts of me are hidden, when I have dark secrets, I cannot be authentic. I feel wrong, bad, unworthy. But INSIDE I have authenticity and I needed others’ support to be able to shine a light on what is real. Trusting others has given me a haven to face what was dark.
FINALLY I can do this without it being unbearable. I am beginning to feel grounded. Before it was too much, too unbearable –the flashbacks, panic, overwhelm, dissociating, dysregulating….
But this time, in this therapy session, it was manageable…probably because of her physical closeness, holding my hand. Probably also because I had just spent so much time this week with my sweet friend and I walked into therapy already feeling loved and supported. I’m finally communicating with my husband. I am making connections with other important people. The support in my life is making all the difference to move through this. Finally!
What I needed to get to this place of safety was to not feel so utterly alone in this world. The support I have now gives me the safety to process it all. I can stop hating myself for freezing and not acting
this is progress
I was talking with my friend this week and told her a sad story, a memory. I have told her many memories before, but for the very first time, I felt sadness and wanting to cry WHILE telling the story. My mind was no longer in a different dimension than my body as I talked. It shocked me, it was such a different experience. As nerve-wrecking as it felt, that was integration. This has been a long slow journey, but this is progress.
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