How can I have so much raw pain around brief memories, some of which have almost no details or even an ending? The loss of control over my memory both frightens and frustrates me. Where do trauma memories go? And how can the brief images I have be enough to hijack my body, making me dizzy and taking my breath away? It’s like that with so many of my memories – as if I have had dementia since my 20s.
i cannot remember
One partial memory I have is of my ex-husband and I grocery shopping. I anxiously tried to get through my shopping list so that I could get home be with our daughter and make dinner. He was fixated on something that made him very angry but I don’t recall what.
He followed me from aisle to aisle, his anger escalating rapidly. I was trying to quietly and quickly answer his questions, hoping to say all the right things, desperate to appease him as always.
humiliation
We we were already attracting a great deal of attention. So many shoppers were staring, but he did not care. His voice got louder and louder and his arms were swinging around wildly as he yelled at me. I could no longer lift my eyes off the grocery items I was picking up. I just wanted the floor to swallow me whole. The tears burned on my cheeks as he continued to yell and lecture me.
It’s funny, I can’t recall what he said, why he was so terribly angry, or how many people were around us staring. Yet I can remember the package of chicken breast in my hands as I stared at it with my face down. I still feel the humiliation as if I am in the middle of it.
I remember the cold in my hands and how hot my face felt.
And then I remember him grabbing it out of my hands and throwing it hard, back down into the meat section.
how hard should I try to remember?
As hard as I try I cannot remember what happened next. And yet I feel or see that their are pieces swirling in my head. I just cannot piece them together. I feel like the next part was bad. Actually I know it was bad, but I can’t force myself to remember. Maybe I can remember if I keep trying – but the effects on my body are so distressing that I never know how much I should try. Is it helping or hurting my recovery?
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