I guess I saw each of my difficult experiences as separate stories. When I began therapy, I felt it was best to leave out some of those stories because I was ashamed. I would tackle the biggest, hardest piece, the one that left me with PTSD – the domestic abuse in my first marriage. As I processed much of this, I began piecing together a much bigger picture I could not see before. The other stories are actually not separate at all. Each experience builds on a previous one. Each hard story impacts the next hard story. Learning how traumas become compounded helps me forgive myself and allows for healing to continue only by being honest with my WHOLE story.
my mind had it all backwards
My mind said: Nobody will believe you have multiple trauma stories! And there is no damn way you can explain your innocence after the first experience so you probably better shut up about that. I have since learned that being sexually assaulted greatly increases the risk of future assaults, with one study purporting that being sexually assaulted once meant a woman was 35 times more likely than others to be revictimized (National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, 2010, CDC). Also, women who have already been traumatized by child sexual abuse or assaulted as an adult are far less likely to speak out (Engel, B, 2018) . The shame is compounded.
Why would survivors of previous abuse and assault be at a higher risk of being sexually assaulted or harassed in the future!? Shouldn’t the opposite be true? I first saw this correlation when my friend told me about the ACEs study while convincing me to try therapy. For many months I wanted to ask her how it could possibly be correlated but was too ashamed to bring it up. She already knew about one trauma, I would lose her trust if I admitted to more. Along with my therapist, I needed my friend’s support and couldn’t risk not being believed.
why the repeated assault correlation?
There are multiple theories to explain it, such as women who were sexually abused as children have learned silence, and may be unable to enforce appropriate boundaries. Some theorize that traumatization may cause a woman to revert to familiar patterns, despite whatever pain it may cause. Women who have been assaulted early learn to associate sex with pain and trauma, and therefore are less likely to be able to distinguish between consent or coercion.
Chris O’Sullivan, Senior Research Associate at Safe Horizon, explains that one recurring theme throughout his research was that women were likely to take responsibility for the original assault.
“They were so full of self-blame and shame from the original assault that they felt unable to act on their own behalf during the later sexual assault victimization.”
What I finally understand is, compounded traumas create compounded shame and this caused me to respond very differently than how I wish I had acted in each experience. Had I encountered the initial assault from my ex-husband without the prior abuse, perhaps I would not have frozen. Maybe I would not have entered into an abusive marriage at all. I might have at least fought back against the abuse that followed instead of waiting 10 years. I may have had the courage to stand up to other men too. It is time to end the anger and self-shaming and forgive myself.
leaving pieces out in therapy
I also avoided bring up these other negative experiences in therapy because it felt far too dramatic…too selfish to ask for this much help…too many things wrong in me! I was quite content to focus on the worst parts, deal with all of that, and then call it a freaking day! It sounded more believable, more efficient, and a whole lot less drama. I really hate drama. But this year it feels like my whole life is drama.
Despite the drama, today I was completely honest in therapy and it was damn painful! Sure being honest took me 7 months, but I got there. I held nothing back. It’s not that I lied previously, rather I purposely avoided some pieces. But today I filled in the gaps of my story with the parts I still felt afraid to share. It was not less hard than when I started therapy. The difference is, I knew I was capable of moving through “hard”. It is not impossible. The pain will subside. I will be OK.
being honest attacks shame at its roots
Brene Brown talks a lot about how shame requires secrecy and darkness. I know this all too well. I am so freaking talented at keeping things in the darkness. What I learned today, as I allowed light in, is the incredible relief and freedom that is waiting when we step out of darkness.
“If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”
– Brene Brown, Listening to Shame TED Talk
being honest when triggered
Now that I have felt the freedom of being honest, I do not ever want to let go of that feeling. I want to be honest with my husband especially. It is easy to get stuck inside old patterns of silence rather than experiencing the pain that comes with vulnerability.
Sometimes I am triggered by my abusive past when in an intense argument with my husband. Other times I am triggered when intimate with him. Rather than speak up and let him know I am struggling in those moments, I stay quiet and push my way through it. He may not notice my internal struggles, but for me they do not quickly go away and I am left to deal with the emotions alone, sometimes for several days.
Don’t pretend to be something that you’re not
Living life afraid of getting caught
my voice is worth listening to
My therapist asked me to begin speaking up to my husband. It is not that I do not trust him, I love him and trust him completely. He protects me in a way no one has ever protected me. Maybe I just do not want to hurt him – he may feel he’s being compared to my Ex.
Or maybe I never learned that my voice meant anything – that it was worthy of my spouse listening to it.
I am learning that when I practice speaking up when triggered, and my husband listens to my voice, responds with love and protects me, my self-worth is increasing.
Being honest with other people about my whole story or any part of it still seems horribly uncomfortable but maybe not impossible. I have no desire to share my story with just anyone and everyone, but with someone I trust, I want to be able to speak the truth. If my path crosses with someone who is hurting in a similar experience, I want to be honest with my own pain if it helps another’s healing. I want wisdom and spiritual growth and to help others know the pure joy in being honest.
Francesca Battistelli – If We’re Honest
statistics
Revictimization is a problem for women and adolescents. “Thirty-nine percent of rape victims in the NWS [National Women’s Survey] had been raped more than once, and 41.7% of the adolescent victims said that they had been sexually assaulted more than once.”
National Women’s Survey
references
Cloitre, M., Rosenberg, A. Follette, V., Ruzek, J. (2006). Sexual Revictimization: Risk Factors and Prevention. Cognitive-behavioral therapies for trauma (2nd ed.). New York, NY, US: Guilford Press, 2006. pp. 321-361.
Engel, B. (2018). Why So Many Women Don’t Report Sexual Harassment and Assault. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 15, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-so-many-women-dont-report-sexual-harassment-and-assault/
Davis, R. ; Guthrie, P. ; Ross, T. ; O’Sullivan, C. (2006). Reducing Sexual Revictimization: A Field Test with an Urban Sample. https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/216002.pdf
This is beautiful and the research is so helpful.
You are so brave. I love how you talked about shame existing in darkness. It really encourages me that light–and empathy, brings relief!
I feel that people can be so hurtful through being dismissive.
Thank you for the encouragement today to be honest!
Thank you Christina! Shame definitely grows in darkness and becomes terribly controlling. I totally agree, that others being dismissive is hurtful, even if not intended. As hard as it can be, it is worth finding those individuals that you can trust and that do have empathy. I felt embarrassed to seek out these people, to admit I need help, yet it has made all the difference.
An outstanding share! I have just forwarded this onto a
friend who has been doing a little homework on this.
And he actually bought me dinner because I found it for him…
lol. So allow me to reword this…. Thanks for the meal!!
But yeah, thanx for spending some time to talk about this topic here on your web page.