Category: Hope

Healing journey are painful but there is always hope. Our minds control more than we can imagine.

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Embodied Self-Awareness Through EMDR Therapy

I spent a lifetime stuck in my head – thinking about, analyzing, and feeling distressed over my past and future. Trauma does this to our minds and bodies, leaving us unable to fully live in each moment. EMDR Therapy has given me my life back. With deep internal healing and embodied self-awareness, I can now welcome every emotion, feeling, and physical sensation. I never imagined this was possible – or knew what I was missing. Continue reading “Embodied Self-Awareness Through EMDR Therapy”

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Why Therapy Takes So Long (Part 2): We Minimize the Impact of Trauma

drowning but ok

I didn’t start therapy to process my trauma. I just wanted a peaceful marriage and not to feel like I was drowning in motherhood and, well…life! I didn’t even know my history could be labeled trauma. It sounded so dramatic! Clearly, my experiences were not worthy of such a heavy description. Continue reading “Why Therapy Takes So Long (Part 2): We Minimize the Impact of Trauma”

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My Deeper Layers Under the Violence of Trauma

If you have experienced childhood abuse or an abusive intimate relationship, it is hard to imagine that there can be any more painful layers under those invasive and often violent experiences. It took decades for me to gather the courage to face my sexual abuse and assault memories in therapy. I never expected to later uncover far deeper layers of pain, but this reality is present for many survivors of interpersonal trauma. These are such feelings as neglect, betrayal, and abandonment. It is the pain of knowing, even as a young child, that nobody cared to help you process your trauma…or to even prevent it in the first place. For me, this betrayal was the deepest layer under the violence of trauma. Continue reading “My Deeper Layers Under the Violence of Trauma”

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The Parts Inside Me

We all have parts of us, parts of our mind that formed in childhood…this is normal human development. We all know struggles like: “part of me wants to eat healthy and feel good, but part of me could care less and I’m going to devour this piece of cake right now!” However, when an individual’s nervous system remains overwhelmed due to trauma, these normal parts of our minds become fragmented. They begin to act in extreme ways with complicated and rigid strategies to move through life. The strategies of behavior become patterns that feel vital to our survival. Continue reading “The Parts Inside Me”

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Dancing with Complex-PTSD and the Darkness of its Depression

dance with depression

One of the worst realities of complex-PTSD (C-PTSD) is how it keeps your brain and body hostage. Even with years of therapy, gaining significant insight and awareness on the effects caused by my trauma, I don’t often feel free. There are moments I do – even whole days, and for that I am incredibly grateful. So grateful on those days that I can’t keep it to myself! I let everyone know how happy I am, wholeheartedly believing that my depression is over. Continue reading “Dancing with Complex-PTSD and the Darkness of its Depression”

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Finding Compassion for Social Anxiety

I find myself frequently angry at my body for all the ways it’s still “broken” and even seems to functions separately from my brain. My struggle with social anxiety is a perfect example of this disconnect. Therapy has given me awareness of my internal chaos, and helped me calm this chaos, yet when I want to connect in groups I’m attacked out of nowhere with a racing heart, feeling lightheaded, and I can’t catch my breath. Panic and anxiety continue to disrupt my life in these situations. Continue reading “Finding Compassion for Social Anxiety”

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An Irony of Trauma: Hypervigilance with No Cues for Danger

red flag

One of the most common features of trauma survivors is that they lose the ability to sense danger. How ironic is it that trauma can leave you functioning in a state of constant hypervigilance, yet with no cues for when you are actually in danger? Most of us can think of someone that has fallen into horrible situations again and again. Despite having bodies that are constantly on edge, on high alert, and waiting to be hurt…when we are in the face of danger, we have no actual urge to leave or even an awareness of the risk. Understanding that a traumatized nervous system works this way feels alarming and unfair! Continue reading “An Irony of Trauma: Hypervigilance with No Cues for Danger”

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One of the Rigid Strategies My Mind Created (Anxious Attachment Style)

SENDING A TEXT

It’s Sunday afternoon and I was beginning to think about my schedule for Monday. I remembered my friend always goes to the gym Monday mornings and thought I’d love to join her. Picking up my phone I texted: Would you like a ride to the gym tomorrow cuz I’m planning to go. I hit send. Bam! It was done. 5 seconds. My eyes got big and I was suddenly hit with the significant contrast of those 5 seconds to the previous 3+ decades of my life. I thought about how different that 5-second process was even a year ago. When did it change and how I did I not notice? Continue reading “One of the Rigid Strategies My Mind Created (Anxious Attachment Style)”

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We Must Struggle

struggle is necessary

Oh the regrets I have! They are endless. But the biggest one of all is letting my ex know I was pregnant. If I had been brave enough, strong enough, smart enough to realize I could handle life on my own…Oh! How much better our lives would have been! It’s like a vortex my mind gets sucked into all too frequently. I play out the beautiful, peaceful life my baby girl and I would have created. And then I wrestle with God, questioning why we must struggle and endure such pain in this life. Continue reading “We Must Struggle”

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My Secrets Hurt the Ones I Love Most

cycle of secrecy

I never put any thought into it but I always felt that my secrets kept me safe. Growing up I maneuvered around other people’s trauma secrets, finding ways to thrive without asking the wrong questions or touching on a topic that would spark emotion. Secrets kept me from experiencing vulnerability as a child. Then for 10 years with my ex-husband I kept all of his abuse secret out of fear and shame. Secrets and silence minimized his attacks along with the risk of being judged by friends and family. And for 14 years since, even in a healthy second marriage, I continue the cycle of secrecy because my body and mind do not know how to voice things…at least outside of therapy. My secrets continue to armor me from the painful emotions of processing my past. Continue reading “My Secrets Hurt the Ones I Love Most”

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The Sexual Harassment Piece of the Story

sexual harassment

Today I did not hide anything; I was seen and heard regardless of whether the honesty felt selfish and dramatic. My struggles are not only with the traumatic events I have focused on in therapy, but rather to the pattern of painful experiences with men. I admitted my shame for whatever it is about me that attracts this attention. It is difficult to use my voice, but I spoke shame and secrets, like the sexual harassment case I brought forward almost 20 years ago. It is a story I kept hidden and minimized, trying to convince myself all these years it was nothing. Yet the guilt that poured forth as I voiced it was overwhelming. Out loud, I questioned why I was “that kind of girl”. It felt stupid and it was a painful question to voice. Continue reading “The Sexual Harassment Piece of the Story”

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Being Honest With My Whole Story

being honest with my whole story

I guess I saw each of my difficult experiences as separate stories. When I began therapy, I felt it was best to leave out some of those stories because I was ashamed. I would tackle the biggest, hardest piece, the one that left me with PTSD – the domestic abuse in my first marriage. As I processed much of this, I began piecing together a much bigger picture I could not see before. The other stories are actually not separate at all. Each experience builds on a previous one. Each hard story impacts the next hard story. Learning how traumas become compounded helps me forgive myself and allows for healing to continue only by being honest with my WHOLE story. Continue reading “Being Honest With My Whole Story”

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Fear of Trauma Therapy

beginning trauma therapy

When my wise friend suggested I not only start therapy, but see someone who specializes in freaking trauma, I can’t describe the anxiety that began! She didn’t know much of my past…just the bare minimum that I could force out of my mouth with an incredible amount of effort and an even greater amount of shame! It took everything out of me, that vulnerable first conversation. I cringe imagining myself hashing it all out in therapy with a stranger – reliving it, feeling it. Plus I am pissed that she referred to my past as “trauma”! I never would have used that word! So I stayed pissed…and empty…and heartbroken…and crying for a solid week with a real fear of beginning trauma therapy. And then I finally caved and asked her, “Do you REALLY think my past can be called TRAUMA?” Continue reading “Fear of Trauma Therapy”

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Hope in the Journey

hope in the journey

Therapy is hard! My husband is often frustrated with me. Although I have been in therapy for several months, he says I am more of an emotional mess now than ever before. That I am not taking full advantage of therapy and I should be nearly “better” by now…if I would just stop holding back. I do hold back. It is not my intention and I get angry at myself – especially when I think about the small financial fortune I’m sinking into therapy! It is just so damn hard to be honest when I have held onto secrets for decades! It’s painful. Like a fist fight with a dragon painful. More than finding my finish line, the challenge now is slowing down enough to find hope in the journey. Continue reading “Hope in the Journey”

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