Category: Trauma Memories

Trauma memories are not only difficult and painful, they are elusive. Survivors spend an extensive amount of energy to forget the traumatic events, yet they remain stored in the body. Most traumatic memories become less distressing over time but triggers can make the body react and disrupt a healthy lifestyle. Part of the healing process is to become aware of our triggers and learn techniques to dissolve the painful memories.

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Embodied Self-Awareness Through EMDR Therapy

I spent a lifetime stuck in my head – thinking about, analyzing, and feeling distressed over my past and future. Trauma does this to our minds and bodies, leaving us unable to fully live in each moment. EMDR Therapy has given me my life back. With deep internal healing and embodied self-awareness, I can now welcome every emotion, feeling, and physical sensation. I never imagined this was possible – or knew what I was missing. Continue reading “Embodied Self-Awareness Through EMDR Therapy”

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Why Therapy Takes So Long (Part 2): We Minimize the Impact of Trauma

drowning but ok

I didn’t start therapy to process my trauma. I just wanted a peaceful marriage and not to feel like I was drowning in motherhood and, well…life! I didn’t even know my history could be labeled trauma. It sounded so dramatic! Clearly, my experiences were not worthy of such a heavy description. Continue reading “Why Therapy Takes So Long (Part 2): We Minimize the Impact of Trauma”

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The Physical Experience of Working Through Shame and Trauma in Therapy

woman's body

Our brains store the memories of our experiences, but so do our bodies. Processing the many layers of trauma that remained stuck in my mind and body has been a uniquely physical experience, different from anyone else’s. While there is no right or wrong way to experience emotions or process shame and trauma, if you desire deeper healing, it is important to experience the physical qualities of your emotions. They are unique to you. Continue reading “The Physical Experience of Working Through Shame and Trauma in Therapy”

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My Deeper Layers Under the Violence of Trauma

If you have experienced childhood abuse or an abusive intimate relationship, it is hard to imagine that there can be any more painful layers under those invasive and often violent experiences. It took decades for me to gather the courage to face my sexual abuse and assault memories in therapy. I never expected to later uncover far deeper layers of pain, but this reality is present for many survivors of interpersonal trauma. These are such feelings as neglect, betrayal, and abandonment. It is the pain of knowing, even as a young child, that nobody cared to help you process your trauma…or to even prevent it in the first place. For me, this betrayal was the deepest layer under the violence of trauma. Continue reading “My Deeper Layers Under the Violence of Trauma”

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The Parts Inside Me

We all have parts of us, parts of our mind that formed in childhood…this is normal human development. We all know struggles like: “part of me wants to eat healthy and feel good, but part of me could care less and I’m going to devour this piece of cake right now!” However, when an individual’s nervous system remains overwhelmed due to trauma, these normal parts of our minds become fragmented. They begin to act in extreme ways with complicated and rigid strategies to move through life. The strategies of behavior become patterns that feel vital to our survival. Continue reading “The Parts Inside Me”

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Dancing with Complex-PTSD and the Darkness of its Depression

dance with depression

One of the worst realities of complex-PTSD (C-PTSD) is how it keeps your brain and body hostage. Even with years of therapy, gaining significant insight and awareness on the effects caused by my trauma, I don’t often feel free. There are moments I do – even whole days, and for that I am incredibly grateful. So grateful on those days that I can’t keep it to myself! I let everyone know how happy I am, wholeheartedly believing that my depression is over. Continue reading “Dancing with Complex-PTSD and the Darkness of its Depression”

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An Irony of Trauma: Hypervigilance with No Cues for Danger

red flag

One of the most common features of trauma survivors is that they lose the ability to sense danger. How ironic is it that trauma can leave you functioning in a state of constant hypervigilance, yet with no cues for when you are actually in danger? Most of us can think of someone that has fallen into horrible situations again and again. Despite having bodies that are constantly on edge, on high alert, and waiting to be hurt…when we are in the face of danger, we have no actual urge to leave or even an awareness of the risk. Understanding that a traumatized nervous system works this way feels alarming and unfair! Continue reading “An Irony of Trauma: Hypervigilance with No Cues for Danger”

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My Secrets Hurt the Ones I Love Most

cycle of secrecy

I never put any thought into it but I always felt that my secrets kept me safe. Growing up I maneuvered around other people’s trauma secrets, finding ways to thrive without asking the wrong questions or touching on a topic that would spark emotion. Secrets kept me from experiencing vulnerability as a child. Then for 10 years with my ex-husband I kept all of his abuse secret out of fear and shame. Secrets and silence minimized his attacks along with the risk of being judged by friends and family. And for 14 years since, even in a healthy second marriage, I continue the cycle of secrecy because my body and mind do not know how to voice things…at least outside of therapy. My secrets continue to armor me from the painful emotions of processing my past. Continue reading “My Secrets Hurt the Ones I Love Most”

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The Sexual Harassment Piece of the Story

sexual harassment

Today I did not hide anything; I was seen and heard regardless of whether the honesty felt selfish and dramatic. My struggles are not only with the traumatic events I have focused on in therapy, but rather to the pattern of painful experiences with men. I admitted my shame for whatever it is about me that attracts this attention. It is difficult to use my voice, but I spoke shame and secrets, like the sexual harassment case I brought forward almost 20 years ago. It is a story I kept hidden and minimized, trying to convince myself all these years it was nothing. Yet the guilt that poured forth as I voiced it was overwhelming. Out loud, I questioned why I was “that kind of girl”. It felt stupid and it was a painful question to voice. Continue reading “The Sexual Harassment Piece of the Story”

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Fear of Trauma Therapy

beginning trauma therapy

When my wise friend suggested I not only start therapy, but see someone who specializes in freaking trauma, I can’t describe the anxiety that began! She didn’t know much of my past…just the bare minimum that I could force out of my mouth with an incredible amount of effort and an even greater amount of shame! It took everything out of me, that vulnerable first conversation. I cringe imagining myself hashing it all out in therapy with a stranger – reliving it, feeling it. Plus I am pissed that she referred to my past as “trauma”! I never would have used that word! So I stayed pissed…and empty…and heartbroken…and crying for a solid week with a real fear of beginning trauma therapy. And then I finally caved and asked her, “Do you REALLY think my past can be called TRAUMA?” Continue reading “Fear of Trauma Therapy”

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Where Do Trauma Memories Go?

How can I have so much raw pain around brief memories, some of which have almost no details or even an ending? The loss of control over my memory both frightens and frustrates me. Where do trauma memories go? And how can the brief images I have be enough to hijack my body, making me dizzy and taking my breath away? It’s like that with so many of my memories – as if I have had dementia since my 20s. Continue reading “Where Do Trauma Memories Go?”

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Can a Painful Dental Visit be a Trauma Trigger?

Nobody can look at me and know my struggle with complex PTSD. Because I choose to stay silent, people don’t associate me with sexual assault, or physical, emotional, or psychological abuse. I choose to keep far from that association even with family and close friends. So how could my dentist know that painful treatment would trigger me and pull me deep into my past? How could a dentist know to treat me any differently? Is there truly even a link? Can a painful dentist appointment be a trauma trigger? Continue reading “Can a Painful Dental Visit be a Trauma Trigger?”

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Does PTSD Go Away?

Will I ever be on the other side of this? I am so afraid of the physical reactions in my body that come with memories. Now that I’m finally exploring my past through therapy, I can see better why my brain has allowed me to be numb all of these years. I usually dance close to the memories…just enough for my hands to start shaking and my heart to begin racing…and then I run as far from the past as I can, leaving almost everything unspoken. Continue reading “Does PTSD Go Away?”

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