After nine years with my ex-husband I secretly sought therapy…thinking it would help me be a better wife and mother but knowing he would never allow me to share our private world. My life was unraveling around me and I seemed to be failing at everything. Although my intention was to fix my marriage, within a couple of months my therapist began insisting my husband was severely brainwashing me. She frequently compared me to someone caught in a cult or a war prisoner. The whole concept seemed shocking and ridiculously far-fetched but with a lot more therapy I began to see it too.
It’s ironic. I was diagnosed last year with chronic fatigue — fatigue bad enough to see multiple doctors, do endless blood-work and scans, create a massive drawer of supplements and cause my family a whole lot of worry. Yet all those years with my abusive ex-husband, I never once questioned how incredibly exhausted I was. And oh I was so freaking tired! In time I learned that exhaustion is a tool of brainwashing and manipulation, of which he was a master.
an already busy and exhausting life
My career demanded a 60+ hour work week. I was on the computer late into the night and often during the night. I was also in school, trying to finish my degree and then taking professional courses to further my career.
Our little girl was very sick and frequently in the hospital. It was difficult to find caretakers while we worked as people were afraid of how dangerous her condition was and the extensive treatments it required. It became my new normal to wake up every two hours to give her medication or to sleep upright in a hospital chair and then leave for an 8 AM college exam.
exhaustion through trivial tasks
I walked on eggshells around my husband and did not dare ask him to handle any of the parenting duties. He required me to handle all of the cooking, the cleaning, the errands…. Beyond that he found endless additional tasks for me to accomplish, always with a sense of urgency…loan paperwork, phone calls, gifts and endless international travel arrangements for his friends and family, so many immigration and lawyer forms for his citizenship. He flew into a rage if I did not answer my phone within three rings, even at work.
I never paused long enough for exercise, TV or books. I had no downtime. By the time I put our daughter to bed I was drained. My husband stayed up late watching TV and then came to bed tense and angry. Even if I was in a deep sleep, he woke me up to “discuss things” which meant an hour or more of correcting my actions and teaching me to improve my mind through intense lectures.
He often spoke of “wanting to change me because he loved me”. If I could learn to think like him I would be wiser and our marriage would finally be happy. He even wrote a letter explaining to me that out of love he is trying so hard to help me improve my mind to think the way he thinks. He was successful and charming, not quiet and withdrawn like me. I wholeheartedly believed I needed his help to improve myself.
sleep deprivation and brainwashing
Sometimes he would wake me up two or three times during the night to continue arguments. This was a nightly occurrence in the first few weeks after childbirth, when I was already horribly sleep deprived.
I always slept lightly, dreading him coming to bed and knowing my alarm would ring in a matter of hours. Sometimes I crawled into my daughter’s bed, hoping I could stay all night. He’d wake me and angrily demand I move to our bed, ranting about me being more of a child than she was. It felt true.
It was not only the hours of lecturing I dreaded. He ended the angry discussions by forcing me to have sex. Night after night after night for years.
Very often I would wake up to him already having sex with me, leaving me to lie in silent disorientation my last precious few hours until morning.
exhaustion pushed me into a state of confusion
He accused me of things that I would never do and his anger and outbursts were always unpredictable. Our fights resulted in an hour or two of intense lecturing so that I could “understand his mind since nobody else understood him.” He pointed out the endless ways people mistreated him so that I could recognize it and stand up for him. The fights were so long I gave up arguing my own mind, too drained to remember my thoughts.
I also quickly learned that having my own opinion was dangerous. It was dangerous for me to even lose eye contact, which was painful to maintain as he was usually a few inches from my face. I pretty much just sat and listened for hours in pathetic obedience. And somehow in the end, I would truly feel sorry for him and how alone he felt.
He often convinced me that my memory of situations was false. He flipped things on me until I was extremely confused. Even years later, I am struggling to know what “facts” my mind had made up and what actually happened.
public humiliation
At home he berated me for such an extended period of time that I was willing to believe him and be obedient simply from sheer exhaustion. My brain was too damn tired to have my own opinion!
The berating was not only at home. When in public he managed to get others to laugh at the words I said. He made fun of my simple, naive mind in front of his friends or work associates. But he did it in a way that was entertaining and made everyone laugh. I learned to be quiet and to distrust my mind.
the control continued
After I finally left him, I had no choice but to continue seeing him daily. We worked together – same building, same floor. Plus we had to co-parent our child. He continued to request I do all his trivial tasks for a year or two after separating and I did! Even after I was divorced and dating again, I continued to comply out of a fear I still feel today.
I did not turn down his requests until I got remarried. It was as if I needed that new status to stand up to him…to be able to say no. Thirteen years later I am doing well and do not think about it much. But I am just beginning to recognize the effects of the fear and brainwashing in my life now and continue to deprogram my mind. Writing these journal entries has become part of my deprogramming. Although extremely painful to write and often more painful to re-read, seeing the truth written in front of my eyes has helped my mind grasp what happened.
Brainwashing messed with my mind
He was a master of fear and intimidation that left me walking on eggshells every day for 10 years. I often feel mentally unstable. Depression, anxiety attacks, flashbacks, obsessing with my thoughts, hyperarousal, social anxiety…. I know there were also good times and he genuinely expressed his love, but I cannot seem to reconcile the good with all the bad. I crave physical touch and love, but cringe when people touch me and I want to crawl inside myself.
I question my thoughts and beliefs at times. I do not trust my own mind.
I am finally back in therapy and embracing a path towards healing. I read as much literature as I can on healing my mind and body, practice yoga, and am finally doing some self-reflection. I try meditation. It sometimes works, but the demons are often too strong in stillness. All of this work is helping me discern which memories and beliefs are true and which are lies.
becoming brainwashed was a slow consistent process
There was no moment of those 10 years that I can look back and say, “that was when I slipped into it!” Sometimes it was intense and should have been apparent, but most of the time it was subtle yet consistent – the piercing looks, the commands that could not be questioned, sounds without words that trained my brain like a dog, the physical punishment, the threats of violence, the humiliation.
I still feel embarrassed at the idea of my family or friends learning my story. Even with the knowledge that I was brainwashed, the shame is too much. I have lost my confidence and my dignity. I question my intelligence. I am angry at the pain my daughter endured due to my weakness. I have so many regrets and the pain is deep.
IT IS FINISHED
Despite my continued struggles I am more than grateful it is finished. I am in a loving marriage now and God continues to heal me. I will keep letting my body know – it is finished.
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