When my wise friend suggested I not only start therapy, but see someone who specializes in freaking trauma, I can’t describe the anxiety that began! She didn’t know much of my past…just the bare minimum that I could force out of my mouth with an incredible amount of effort and an even greater amount of shame! It took everything out of me, that vulnerable first conversation. I cringe imagining myself hashing it all out in therapy with a stranger – reliving it, feeling it. Plus I am pissed that she referred to my past as “trauma”! I never would have used that word! So I stayed pissed…and empty…and heartbroken…and crying for a solid week with a real fear of beginning trauma therapy. And then I finally caved and asked her, “Do you REALLY think my past can be called TRAUMA?”
My friend Carrie told me I carry a lot of shame (I thought it was guilt, but she explained the difference.) She also explained what trauma is…which I imagine made a lot of sense but my heart was racing so badly I did not hear any of it. I stayed sad and angry and waited a couple more weeks and then with shaking hands I emailed the therapist she recommended.
NOTE: This was one of my first journal entries…written over 7 months ago. Apologies my brain is too disorganized to post chronologically! Looking back on this, I realize I have come so far. Yet, it is worth admitting my many fears of trauma therapy that had such a stronghold over me.
why am I so terrified of trauma therapy?!?
Although not trauma specific, I did some talk therapy more than 13 years ago…just enough to realize I was married to an abusive narcissist and I must gather the strength to get out. I should have continued therapy after my separation but I did not. Instead of healing, I found all sorts of ways to numb my pain that added to my shame. My behavior calmed down once I remarried, but I found different ways to remain numb.
Suddenly this year my body is apparently ready to deal with it and I am reliving things again. I’m pretty sure my fear of trauma therapy is illogical in some ways, but nonetheless, it is strong and deep.
fear #1: voicing my past out loud
When it comes down to it, I just do not want to voice the details of my history. I do not believe I can handle the pain of reliving it. That is probably the biggest of all my fears.
Confiding in Carrie caused my mind to begin processing things. I answered her many questions WITHOUT really feeling much. Although extremely uncomfortable, scared and shaking, I did not FEEL anything other than shame. She asked me, “Aren’t you angry at him!?” I admitted I have never felt angry towards him, only myself. I have not allowed myself to feel much of anything.
Once I began voicing some of my past out loud however, it started to become very real in my head. That sounds strange, but it has never felt real before…more like maybe it happened, maybe it didn’t, but it is not something I can think about. For days, weeks after voicing things out loud, I could no longer find any means to remain numb or in denial. The vulnerability I had embraced introduced more painful emotions than I can manage.
I long to move forward in life but cannot bear the thought of the pain that will be ahead if I have to voice it all.
fear #2: being a victim
I do not want a victim label or to have a victim mentality. I despise the word and do not want anyone’s pity. Will facing my past force me to view myself as a victim? This is a big fear around trauma therapy. Will seeing myself as a helpless victim take me even further from the strong woman I want to become?
fear #3: admitting I am weak
People describe me as sweet and gentle. They mean well and I appreciate the intention. Yet I cannot help but also interpret this as being weak. How much weaker will they view me if they actually knew my past? It is humiliating! What kind of weak person am I to stay in denial of reality for a 10 year abusive marriage plus another 13 years after!?
Nobody describes me as a strong person. Strong and courageous people are not described as sweet or gentle. I want my children to love who they are, to have self-worth, but if I don’t love who I am I cannot be a model for them to do the same.
fear #4: not worthy
I have already come very far. I feel selfish and ungrateful for not being happy with my better-than-before life. Who am I to seek help or create drama where there does not need to be any!?
Plus several pieces of my story, the hard trauma parts, are difficult to believe. Even I don’t see how I could not have fault in my reality. That part is a really big struggle for me. I feel I deserve my pain for my bad choices…choices that have hurt far more lives than my own. I do not deserve to have this burden lifted.
fear #5: trusting someone with my story
How do I trust? How do I even begin to be open? Despite hiding it from everyone, my story consumes me as if it is my ONLY identity.
The vulnerability of trusting anyone with my story, even a therapist, is daunting!
One of the only times I felt betrayed by my current husband is when he told his parents some of my story, my history of domestic abuse, without my knowledge. I felt like he had kicked me in the gut. There were many other times when I knew he wanted to state some small detail of my story while in conversation with friends, caught up in a moment where it makes perfect sense to remark on it, but I never allowed it. I am incredibly angry if he lets something slip. But in the heat of a huge argument, he told his parents spontaneously, trying to make them less critical of me, of us, hoping they would understand me better.
His intentions are good, but I was and still am hurt. My story is too heavy for anyone I do not trust deeply.
fear #6: failure
When I attempted therapy over a year ago, nobody in my life knew what I was trying to tackle. It was all in secret because I did not have the courage yet to ask any friend for support. When I gave up after 5 sessions without divulging a single one of my secrets, nobody close to me knew I had failed.
But now the appointment is made. Carrie expects me to go and my husband does too. He is begging me to seek help. I want to cancel badly but will feel like even more of a failure if I do not go through with it. Suddenly there is accountability in the mix that never before existed.
fear #7: proving that I am mentally unstable
I fear my fragments of memories and flashbacks are not truth, that I severely overreact to my life experiences and create a giant drama in my head that will be proven a lie. A fear of trauma therapy is learning I am not mentally stable and my reality is false. I know I am broken yet prefer to remain in darkness than hear it from a professional.
I have kept these secrets for so long I am not sure anymore what parts are real. My ex really screwed with my head and was skilled at brainwashing. I have such a hard time knowing which memories are true and which are lies. He always twisted the details of our experiences, convincing me I was crazy. In order to end arguments, he insisted I admit my mental instability out loud to him and admit that this is why our marriage was failing. He even insisted I tell other people the same. I will be even more ashamed of myself if the therapist sees me the way he did.
fear #8: being in therapy makes me selfish
Another crazy fear of trauma therapy is that by going I am being SELFISH. It sounds silly yet I’m incrediby hung up about this. I hate the idea of focusing on myself so intensely. All of these years I thought I was making the right choice by focusing on others and ignoring my own pain, as if it was the most UNSELFISH thing to do.
fear #9: no words
I NEVER have the words when it relates to these memories – not on paper, not out loud. My brain and mouth seem to be disconnected! My thoughts and memories are not even logical or in any sort of order! Sometimes, I can gather words in my head while alone but never in the presence of someone else.
When trying to have a normal conversation with friends for example, attempting to mention even a small piece of my story will make my heart race, my breathing difficult and then I regret trying. The shame spiral leaves me terribly angry for trying and looking stupid.
fear #10: nobody will believe me
Even if my memories are accurate, without the right words or any confidence, I will not be believed. I will come across as weak, dramatic and silly.
it was trauma and I need help
I hated that word so much when Carrie first said it. It made me not just uncomfortable but angry! But I guess I’ve come a long way because now I’m calling it trauma. The anxiety around my trauma has become agonizing. Despite many strides to move myself forward – through lots and lots of yoga, meditation (which hopelessly fails because I can’t settle my mind), EFT (same problem), podcasts, endless self-help books and more self-help books – I am stuck!
My attempts to move forward while remaining isolated have created a lot of knowledge without the means to apply it. I have strategies with no proper mindset.
I go to Church, pray, read my Bible, I listen to inspiring talks and videos. God is good, God is good. All the time. But this life is not good all the time. This life freaking sucks!
The depression and the anxiety triggers are debilitating. I’m pretty sure I mask it fairly well to the outside world, but my chest feels it is being crushed simply from reading an article about someone else’s abuse.
A friend innocently asks a question too personal and I start to black out. Literally! How do you even try explaining that to someone!? Everything starts going black and I have to work so hard to keep myself in the moment.
I read through tips to manage stress and instead of relief I feel like something heavy is on my head and suffocating my face. Every motivating anecdote meant to give me hope is instead a damn trigger!
I still crave the relief of being lost in drinking and drugs. I resist as best I can, if for no better reason than to not upset my husband, but I fear this will never go away.
just begin
Confiding in a friend feels like a start to moving forward. Not a very coherent one, a terribly awkward one actually, but some momentum. And for the first time I want it. Just a little. It does not mean my fear of trauma therapy will subside. But I want it.
One day in Carrie’s prayers the Lord spoke to her through Psalm 34. She shared it with me, and her thoughts, and the words touched me deeply. I have often gone back to Psalm 34 during this difficult process. Each time, a different part speaks to me.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me, delivered me from all my fears. Look to him and be radiant, and your faces may not blush for shame. This poor one cried out and the Lord heard, and from all his distress he saved him. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he saves them…. The LORD’s face is against evildoers to wipe out their memory from the earth…. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed.
Psalm 34:5-19
It is January 2020. A new year. Despite my fear of trauma therapy, it is my time to begin healing. To just begin.
