We All Have Shadows - a journal through trauma therapy and healing C-PTSD

September 11, 2020September 12, 2020

The Sexual Harassment Piece of the Story

Today I did not hide anything; I was seen and heard regardless of whether the honesty felt selfish and dramatic. My struggles are not only with the traumatic events I have focused on in therapy, but rather to the pattern of painful experiences with men. I admitted my shame for whatever it is about me that attracts this attention. It is difficult to use my voice, but I spoke shame and secrets, like the sexual harassment case I brought forward almost 20 years ago. It is a story I kept hidden and minimized, trying to convince myself all these years it was nothing. Yet the guilt that poured forth as I voiced it was overwhelming. Out loud, I questioned why I was “that kind of girl”. It felt stupid and it was a painful question to voice. Continue reading “The Sexual Harassment Piece of the Story”

August 18, 2020January 9, 2024

Being Honest With My Whole Story

I guess I saw each of my difficult experiences as separate stories. When I began therapy, I felt it was best to leave out some of those stories because I was ashamed. I would tackle the biggest, hardest piece, the one that left me with PTSD – the domestic abuse in my first marriage. As I processed much of this, I began piecing together a much bigger picture I could not see before. The other stories are actually not separate at all. Each experience builds on a previous one. Each hard story impacts the next hard story. Learning how traumas become compounded helps me forgive myself and allows for healing to continue only by being honest with my WHOLE story. Continue reading “Being Honest With My Whole Story”

August 9, 2020August 10, 2020

The First Time I Said NO to Abuse

I will never forget the first time I stood up for myself – the first time I said NO to the abuse from my husband, out loud, face to face. Every prior resistance action was done silently, sneakily. I never used my voice. Continue reading “The First Time I Said NO to Abuse”

July 26, 2020July 26, 2020

Fear of Trauma Therapy

When my wise friend suggested I not only start therapy, but see someone who specializes in freaking trauma, I can’t describe the anxiety that began! She didn’t know much of my past…just the bare minimum that I could force out of my mouth with an incredible amount of effort and an even greater amount of shame! It took everything out of me, that vulnerable first conversation. I cringe imagining myself hashing it all out in therapy with a stranger – reliving it, feeling it. Plus I am pissed that she referred to my past as “trauma”! I never would have used that word! So I stayed pissed…and empty…and heartbroken…and crying for a solid week with a real fear of beginning trauma therapy. And then I finally caved and asked her, “Do you REALLY think my past can be called TRAUMA?” Continue reading “Fear of Trauma Therapy”

July 9, 2020July 13, 2020

Hope in the Journey

Therapy is hard! My husband is often frustrated with me. Although I have been in therapy for several months, he says I am more of an emotional mess now than ever before. That I am not taking full advantage of therapy and I should be nearly “better” by now…if I would just stop holding back. I do hold back. It is not my intention and I get angry at myself – especially when I think about the small financial fortune I’m sinking into therapy! It is just so damn hard to be honest when I have held onto secrets for decades! It’s painful. Like a fist fight with a dragon painful. More than finding my finish line, the challenge now is slowing down enough to find hope in the journey. Continue reading “Hope in the Journey”

June 24, 2020July 5, 2020

Exhaustion is a Tool of Brainwashing

After nine years with my ex-husband I secretly sought therapy…thinking it would help me be a better wife and mother but knowing he would never allow me to share our private world. My life was unraveling around me and I seemed to be failing at everything. Although my intention was to fix my marriage, within a couple of months my therapist began insisting my husband was severely brainwashing me. She frequently compared me to someone caught in a cult or a war prisoner. The whole concept seemed shocking and ridiculously far-fetched but with a lot more therapy I began to see it too. Continue reading “Exhaustion is a Tool of Brainwashing”

June 13, 2020July 9, 2020

Where Do Trauma Memories Go?

How can I have so much raw pain around brief memories, some of which have almost no details or even an ending? The loss of control over my memory both frightens and frustrates me. Where do trauma memories go? And how can the brief images I have be enough to hijack my body, making me dizzy and taking my breath away? It’s like that with so many of my memories – as if I have had dementia since my 20s. Continue reading “Where Do Trauma Memories Go?”

June 6, 2020July 2, 2024

Can a Painful Dental Visit be a Trauma Trigger?

Nobody can look at me and know my struggle with complex PTSD. Because I choose to stay silent, people don’t associate me with sexual assault, or physical, emotional, or psychological abuse. I choose to keep far from that association even with family and close friends. So how could my dentist know that painful treatment would trigger me and pull me deep into my past? How could a dentist know to treat me any differently? Is there truly even a link? Can a painful dentist appointment be a trauma trigger? Continue reading “Can a Painful Dental Visit be a Trauma Trigger?”

May 9, 2020July 7, 2020

Does PTSD Go Away?

Will I ever be on the other side of this? I am so afraid of the physical reactions in my body that come with memories. Now that I’m finally exploring my past through therapy, I can see better why my brain has allowed me to be numb all of these years. I usually dance close to the memories…just enough for my hands to start shaking and my heart to begin racing…and then I run as far from the past as I can, leaving almost everything unspoken. Continue reading “Does PTSD Go Away?”

May 4, 2020August 5, 2020

Yoga for Trauma Healing

I am finally beginning to understand my body better – all the weird things I tried to hide from people because they did not make any sense before beginning trauma therapy. For example, I had no idea that it is not normal for my body to not physically feel things….for my brain to not know what my body is doing. I didn’t know that’s a trauma thing. A PTSD thing. Apparently that is part of my high pain tolerance too. My body is simply numb much of the time. In addition to therapy, yoga is helping me change this. Continue reading “Yoga for Trauma Healing”