a journal through trauma therapy and healing C-PTSD
On Monday night I pushed through a difficult Pilates class, my heart racing from the exertion of my workout and fear of drawing my instructor’s attention if my form was off. This particular teacher challenged us in a way that often intimidated me. But to be fair, most people intimidate me. Continue reading “Flashbacks – Hijacked by Body Memories”
I spent a lifetime stuck in my head – thinking about, analyzing, and feeling distressed over my past and future. Trauma does this to our minds and bodies, leaving us unable to fully live in each moment. EMDR Therapy has given me my life back. With deep internal healing and embodied self-awareness, I can now welcome every emotion, feeling, and physical sensation. I never imagined this was possible – or knew what I was missing. Continue reading “Embodied Self-Awareness Through EMDR Therapy”
I’ve worked through my rape memories in therapy, layer by layer, yet there was one detail of this ugly story I wanted to stay locked away, hidden in the dark because I could not stomach its truth: I returned to the man who raped me. The very next day I approached him sexually. How do I make sense of that? Continue reading “Returning For Sex to the Man Who Raped Me”
Each time I gathered enough courage to put a few raw pieces of my trauma into words, hoping to find support in a friend, my face would freeze into a ridiculous fake smile. How did that happen when I was crying and falling apart just moments earlier? Once I was face to face with another person, something inside me took over and shut down all expression of emotion. Continue reading “Why Do I Smile While I Voice What Feels Painful?”
I wanted my therapist to care about me or at the very least to be proud of me. I wanted to be amazing at therapy! I wanted to shock her with the swiftness of my healing! So session after session, I insisted I could handle more than my body was ready to process. Continue reading “Why Therapy Takes So Long (Part 3): Trauma Stripped Us of Boundaries”
I didn’t start therapy to process my trauma. I just wanted a peaceful marriage and not to feel like I was drowning in motherhood and, well…life! I didn’t even know my history could be labeled trauma. It sounded so dramatic! Clearly, my experiences were not worthy of such a heavy description. Continue reading “Why Therapy Takes So Long (Part 2): We Minimize the Impact of Trauma”
With each passing month after beginning counseling, I fought against the shame around my slow progress. I feared I would never “be better”. I was successful in all other areas of my life…so how was I “failing” at therapy?! Continue reading “Why Therapy Takes So Long (Part 1): Trauma Memories Are Stored Differently”
Our brains store the memories of our experiences, but so do our bodies. Processing the many layers of trauma that remained stuck in my mind and body has been a uniquely physical experience, different from anyone else’s. While there is no right or wrong way to experience emotions or process shame and trauma, if you desire deeper healing, it is important to experience the physical qualities of your emotions. They are unique to you. Continue reading “The Physical Experience of Working Through Shame and Trauma in Therapy”
Physical touch does not come naturally to me, whether it is receiving touch, knowing how to touch those I care about, or recognizing my own physical sensations. Physical touch seems to be directed by my head instead of any innate feeling in my body. It takes focus and conscious effort to think about touching someone or think about how to respond appropriately when touched. Continue reading “When You Cannot Force “Good Touch” to Feel Good”
One of the worst realities of complex-PTSD (C-PTSD) is how it keeps your brain and body hostage. Even with years of therapy, gaining significant insight and awareness on the effects caused by my trauma, I don’t often feel free. There are moments I do – even whole days, and for that I am incredibly grateful. So grateful on those days that I can’t keep it to myself! I let everyone know how happy I am, wholeheartedly believing that my depression is over. Continue reading “Dancing with Complex-PTSD and the Darkness of its Depression”
I find myself frequently angry at my body for all the ways it’s still “broken” and even seems to functions separately from my brain. My struggle with social anxiety is a perfect example of this disconnect. Therapy has given me awareness of my internal chaos, and helped me calm this chaos, yet when I want to connect in groups I’m attacked out of nowhere with a racing heart, feeling lightheaded, and I can’t catch my breath. Panic and anxiety continue to disrupt my life in these situations. Continue reading “Finding Compassion for Social Anxiety”
Oh the regrets I have! They are endless. But the biggest one of all is letting my ex know I was pregnant. If I had been brave enough, strong enough, smart enough to realize I could handle life on my own…Oh! How much better our lives would have been! It’s like a vortex my mind gets sucked into all too frequently. I play out the beautiful, peaceful life my baby girl and I would have created. And then I wrestle with God, questioning why we must struggle and endure such pain in this life. Continue reading “We Must Struggle”
Today I did not hide anything; I was seen and heard regardless of whether the honesty felt selfish and dramatic. My struggles are not only with the traumatic events I have focused on in therapy, but rather to the pattern of painful experiences with men. I admitted my shame for whatever it is about me that attracts this attention. It is difficult to use my voice, but I spoke shame and secrets, like the sexual harassment case I brought forward almost 20 years ago. It is a story I kept hidden and minimized, trying to convince myself all these years it was nothing. Yet the guilt that poured forth as I voiced it was overwhelming. Out loud, I questioned why I was “that kind of girl”. It felt stupid and it was a painful question to voice. Continue reading “The Sexual Harassment Piece of the Story”
I guess I saw each of my difficult experiences as separate stories. When I began therapy, I felt it was best to leave out some of those stories because I was ashamed. I would tackle the biggest, hardest piece, the one that left me with PTSD – the domestic abuse in my first marriage. As I processed much of this, I began piecing together a much bigger picture I could not see before. The other stories are actually not separate at all. Each experience builds on a previous one. Each hard story impacts the next hard story. Learning how traumas become compounded helps me forgive myself and allows for healing to continue only by being honest with my WHOLE story. Continue reading “Being Honest With My Whole Story”