a journal through trauma therapy and healing C-PTSD
On Monday night I pushed through a difficult Pilates class, my heart racing from the exertion of my workout and fear of drawing my instructor’s attention if my form was off. This particular teacher challenged us in a way that often intimidated me. But to be fair, most people intimidate me. Continue reading “Flashbacks – Hijacked by Body Memories”
I wanted my therapist to care about me or at the very least to be proud of me. I wanted to be amazing at therapy! I wanted to shock her with the swiftness of my healing! So session after session, I insisted I could handle more than my body was ready to process. Continue reading “Why Therapy Takes So Long (Part 3): Trauma Stripped Us of Boundaries”
I didn’t start therapy to process my trauma. I just wanted a peaceful marriage and not to feel like I was drowning in motherhood and, well…life! I didn’t even know my history could be labeled trauma. It sounded so dramatic! Clearly, my experiences were not worthy of such a heavy description. Continue reading “Why Therapy Takes So Long (Part 2): We Minimize the Impact of Trauma”
With each passing month after beginning counseling, I fought against the shame around my slow progress. I feared I would never “be better”. I was successful in all other areas of my life…so how was I “failing” at therapy?! Continue reading “Why Therapy Takes So Long (Part 1): Trauma Memories Are Stored Differently”
Our brains store the memories of our experiences, but so do our bodies. Processing the many layers of trauma that remained stuck in my mind and body has been a uniquely physical experience, different from anyone else’s. While there is no right or wrong way to experience emotions or process shame and trauma, if you desire deeper healing, it is important to experience the physical qualities of your emotions. They are unique to you. Continue reading “The Physical Experience of Working Through Shame and Trauma in Therapy”
One of the most common features of trauma survivors is that they lose the ability to sense danger. How ironic is it that trauma can leave you functioning in a state of constant hypervigilance, yet with no cues for when you are actually in danger? Most of us can think of someone that has fallen into horrible situations again and again. Despite having bodies that are constantly on edge, on high alert, and waiting to be hurt…when we are in the face of danger, we have no actual urge to leave or even an awareness of the risk. Understanding that a traumatized nervous system works this way feels alarming and unfair! Continue reading “An Irony of Trauma: Hypervigilance with No Cues for Danger”
When you’re recovering from trauma, with years and years of secrecy, you have no idea the extent of untruths or false negative beliefs, you hold within yourself. I’m calling them that instead of lies because lies denote a choice. I never chose to believe so many negative things about myself. I didn’t choose to live my life according to these negative beliefs. But that is what happened. When your body does not feel there is enough support, enough safety, to experience and know the truth of your trauma, then your mind creates a gift to keep you surviving. It gives you a whole set of twisted and false negative beliefs to live by. Continue reading “Truths and Untruths: Irrational Beliefs Stored in the Body”