We all have parts of us, parts of our mind that formed in childhood…this is normal human development. We all know struggles like: “part of me wants to eat healthy and feel good, but part of me could care less and I’m going to devour this piece of cake right now!” However, when an individual’s nervous system remains overwhelmed due to trauma, these normal parts of our minds become fragmented. They begin to act in extreme ways with complicated and rigid strategies to move through life. The strategies of behavior become patterns that feel vital to our survival.
Maladaptive behaviors they may be called in psychology. However, our bodies our working exactly as designed – employing adaptive behaviors that proved successful earlier in life. There is nothing maladaptive about it…. But the fact remains that these rigid strategies begin to cause problems and somehow our parts need to learn to trust us again.
The Strategies of My Parts
I want to tell my husband something I love about him…or reach out to hold onto him…but part of me strongly demands that I not let myself be vulnerable. So I stay distant, trying to appear strong and independent. I feel a sudden burst of warmth for a friend and want to impulsively hug her, but a part of me ensures my body stays still. I remain composed so as not to appear weird.
I want to go out with friends, but there is a part of me that gives me a sinking feeling or anxiety about socializing. In the end I stay home. When I am in the middle of an intriguing conversation with others, I open my mouth to share my opinion only to suddenly feel overwhelmed and with all the physical symptoms of panic. This part of me wins and I shut my mouth, silent.
I am not AWARE I am using any of these strategies! They’re just me!
When I feel tears are coming, a part inside me sends me running to my bedroom to cry alone, so that my children don’t see I have big emotions. When my day is chaotic and everyone in the house is cranky, a part of me insists I reach for the bottle of wine. I find some chocolate dessert or ice cream, regardless of the regret I will feel in the morning.
Betraying My Own Body
When my husband crawls in bed and touches me, wanting sex, I ignore the experience of my own body, which often feels like an emotional mess and hurting. It’s not a conscious decision to ignore my body. I have no awareness that I’m doing this…refusing to pay attention to not wanting to be touched or maybe just to be held without it turning sexual. A part of me keeps my mind separated from my body, disconnected and detached, so that I can show my husband I am fine. I am strong. I am not emotional. I am the wife I should be. A part of me ensures I continue to ignore my body’s sensations so that I can turn toward him and give what this part believes is needed.
But this consent without attuning to my own inner experience…it comes at a cost.
My husband is not doing anything wrong. He has no idea the internal dialogues that plague my mind – the endless conflicting messages in my head. If I could just tune into my body and become aware of my inner sensations…and then use my voice to let my husband know I am hurting…he would wholeheartedly respect this and respond with whatever I need – loving me even more for speaking up.
But these parts of me, they won’t take that risk…these parts learned different consequences during childhood and in earlier relationships. They already learned my voice would be ignored and I would get hurt.
So I betray my body, again and again because these parts inside me are too strong to do otherwise. In time, this betrayal becomes deeply rooted. My body learns to not trust my mind, just as my mind distrusts my body. It is a common pattern of interpersonal trauma.
The parts of me that need me to isolate, be silent, guarded, and secretive to “stay safe” are incredibly strong. They work intensely to “protect me” because these responses were necessary at earlier times in my life. But they also use up all of my energy leaving me exhausted many days…frustrated that I cannot live life the way I wish to live.
Harmful Choices
There were times in my life when these parts of me that craved soothing, love, and connection so intensely, they led me to behaviors far more harmful to myself…sexual relationships, co-dependent relationships, drugs, and excessive amounts of alcohol. I’m not using this perspective as an excuse for my life choices, but rather to develop self-compassion for these young versions of me.
These parts have REAL needs and sometimes they are desperate! I looked to fill those needs externally with no realization that I could one day find within myself the soothing, the love, and the connection for which my parts searched. This takes trust and hard work to heal. It also takes genuine people with healthy boundaries to connect with us and support us through the journey.
Our strategies are deeply rooted in the fragmented parts of the mind and body. These parts will use their strategies to fight tooth and nail. They claw against everything in you, to continue being employed – even when the trauma has long been over and life is safe again.
These strategies that my parts hold, the strategies that have let me function in life, were once beautiful gifts that allowed me to cope, adapt, and live despite my distress…even if it feels like they are often ruining my life now.
Disconfirming Experiences
Our parts will never go away. They truly are part of us. However, the solution to modifying the strategies that our parts hold – the ones that keep us locked into bodily prisons, is DISCONFIRMING EXPERIENCES.
For example, when I have the courage to be honest with my thoughts and emotions and my friends respond lovingly – not with the shame and ridicule my body is expecting – this disconfirms my negative earlier life experiences.
When I speak in front of a group and the group listens intently, not laughs at me as I feel may happen, this disconfirms my past experiences.
When I let my children see me be emotional and they can handle it fine and develop empathy, this disconfirms the fearful expectation I created inside me.
When I tell my husband I don’t want to have sex, I just want to be held tonight, and he respects my request, this disconfirms the subconscious belief that I will be taken advantage of sexually, regardless of whether I use my voice.
Without disconfirming experiences, like the consistent love and acceptance from a friend, a partner, a therapist, or another trusted other…these strategies that once worked, can leave us feeling like we live in an internal prison.
When people in our lives give us respect and love...and this becomes the new pattern...these disconfirming experiences hold great power to modify our brains and the patterns they created (or the strategies of our parts).
Integrating the Mind and Body
It doesn’t matter how much logic you bring in when the strategies are held in the body. What changes the strategies are self-compassion for these parts and experiencing love, connection, safety and consistency from those we trust. We need loving experiences to disconfirm the need for strategies.
Years of trauma therapy, a caring partner, and amazing reliable friendships are slowly making my parts and strategies relax. There is nothing fast about this healing work, but my strategies are becoming more flexible, softer.
Our strategies may never go away completely. However, with healing they remain available when needed, but they can serve us in healthier ways. Our parts and strategies become less complicated and less in control of running our lives.