Oh the regrets I have! They are endless. But the biggest one of all is letting my ex know I was pregnant. If I had been brave enough, strong enough, smart enough to realize I could handle life on my own…Oh! How much better our lives would have been! It’s like a vortex my mind gets sucked into all too frequently. I play out the beautiful, peaceful life my baby girl and I would have created. And then I wrestle with God, questioning why we must struggle and endure such pain in this life.
I recently heard a story of a kind man who happened upon an emperor moth caterpillar, moving inside its cocoon. It moved and struggled slowly, day after day until at last it reached a day when it seemed to stop moving. The man was worried. It bothered him that the moth had to struggle for so long and he took a small knife and freed the new moth from its cocoon. But sadly, robbed of its struggle to gain strength, the new moth’s wings were shriveled and too small for its large body. Lacking the strength to fly, the moth died. (Schmitz, 2020).
My boyfriend and I had already broken up for God’s sake! I could have stood up for myself after learning I was pregnant and never come into contact with him again. Instead I convinced myself I could never raise a child on my own! I already knew of his abuse, yet my mind could not come to terms with it.
Dissociation my therapist called it.
Unable to see the abuse with any clarity, I instead focused on my distress, my poverty, my fear of being judged for being pregnant at age 20 with no husband. So I allowed him to manipulate me into marriage. I could have moved into my parents house. He would have had no idea where to find me. He couldn’t even stay in the country legally after college. Why did I not take comfort in that?!? I could have made an entire life without him being aware that he had a daughter.
This is my single greatest regret and also the dream my mind continues to play out. Again and again and again, my mind works against me.
We would have been fine, my little girl and I. My family would have helped us through it. I would have finished my degree, still found a great job. I would have taken much better care of her than I did living with his abuse and manipulation.
Any time I suggested leaving him, he threatened to use amazing lawyers against me so I would never see my daughter again. Other times he threatened to leave the country with her. I feared him and I believed him.
I’ve heard people say, “I have no regrets! I have learned from each mistake!” Unfortunately, I have never been able to make the same claim. I DO REGRET!!! Sure, I am OK learning from my mistakes but not THIS one! This one I would change.
When I struggle with my many regrets, my loving husband reminds me that our difficult paths brought us together at the right time, and I may never have found him if I hadn’t endured this path. But as much as I love him, and I truly do, I cannot honestly say I would endure this path again, just to reach him. That makes me sad and guilty, because I honestly love him. But the pain is still raw and I cannot embrace the idea of enduring it again…even for a great end.
affliction and struggle creates character
If I am going to become the person God created me to be, I have to struggle. Romans 5 says, “But we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us” (New American Bible, Romans 5:3-5).
My therapist had me close my eyes and go deep into my body to recognize the physical impact of the traumatic emotions. I felt my shoulders and chest collapsing inward as if someone was crushing me. I felt the physical pain of being crushed. And then I felt someone had placed something very heavy on my head and it too was being crushed. She asked me to stay there and keep feeling it. I was crying hard and hurting. She asked if it was possible for me to make any logical decision while feeling that much pain and I admitted I could not. Then she told me I would likely make the same decisions even today if in that same pain. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT I KNOW COGNITIVELY. WHEN THE BODY IS TRAUMATIZED IT RESPONDS IN SURVIVAL MODE.
but not THIS struggle!
My character is created through affliction, through MY particular struggles. I
can’t even count how many times I said to God, “But I don’t want THIS struggle!
I will always serve you, but give me a different struggle, not THIS one!” My
bad experiences in this life were not God’s will, but rather, seeking God and
His healing through my unique struggles is creating something beautiful.
Strength is produced only in affliction.
None of us are protected from evil in this world. This is God’s permissive will, because we are free and we are allowed to make choices – good and bad. But this does not mean our experiences with evil were His design. There is much beauty in this world, yet evil touches each of us. We do all we can to abolish it, to move on, to focus on the beauty. Whatever struggle each of us is in right now, we must take heart. We will become stronger because of it. God is doing something within me, right now, through my struggles.
Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.
St. Catherine of Siena
References
New American Bible. (Revised Edition [NABRE], 2011). Books of the Bible Online. https://bible.usccb.org/bible (Original work published 1986)
Schmitz, Fr. Mike. (Producer). (2020, December 30). Struggle is Necessary. [Audio Podcast]. Ascension Presents. https://youtu.be/i_w7LUV0xaM