The word “dignity” has been on my mind a lot lately. I can only speak from my own experience, but am guessing many individuals who have been in an abusive relationship, been sexually assaulted or abused, have experienced a violation to their dignity. But what is dignity? And was it taken from me? If so, can I get it back? Is it damaged forever?
My mind was zoned out for quite awhile on all of these questions while I sat alone at the kitchen table. It was a most inopportune time for my unsuspecting husband, who had just woken up to walk into the kitchen. He really just wanted to pour himself a cup of coffee but it was too late…the philosophical rant in my head had been interrupted!
what is dignity?
Without even saying good morning I asked him, “What is dignity?”
He looked confused and was stumbling to give me an accurate answer. I interrupted, “Don’t think! Just tell me what dignity is to YOU!” He responded, “Uhhhhh…OK. I guess I can’t really say what it is, but I can say how you lose it.”
…and now I’m angry
I immediately felt the defensiveness in my chest and I pushed him to continue. He caught on that he was trapped but tried to answer….
“Like if someone is assaulted” he said, “this can take away a person’s dignity. Any violence against someone might take it away. And once it’s gone, it’s something you can never have again. I guess that’s how I see dignity.”
I was suddenly very angry, which is a new emotion for me. It only took nearly 2 years of trauma therapy to tap into a whole lot of suppressed anger, but now it seems to surface frequently and it takes me by surprise.
His short summary of dignity, or rather the assertion that dignity can be gone forever, perfectly summarized how I felt all of my life.
Even though I had not yet worked out a definition in my mind of what “dignity” is, I snapped at him.
“That is so wrong!” I yelled angrily. “How can you say that!? Dignity is a gift from God. Just like our souls, He gave us dignity at the moment of our conception. Why would you think a human being can take that away?!?“
He took his coffee and started to back away from me as I continued. “Being abused and assaulted sure feels like I lost my dignity. And yes, it was definitely harmed, but no person on this earth can take it from me if it is God-given and connected to my soul! Why the hell am I doing all this hard work to heal if my dignity is gone? Why would I go through all this pain if I it can never be given back to me?!? There’s no way I will believe that anymore!”
it’s shame
In the end, I came to the understanding that the deep shame I have carried most of my life is what made me feel I no longer have dignity. Instead I have always felt weak. Hurt. It FELT like my integrity, my dignity was gone.
But my dignity was not gone. It was never taken.
Doing this intense trauma healing, both in counseling and on my own, is removing the shame that should belong to others. Removing the shame allows me to feel and know my self-worth, my God-given dignity. For it was always there, always within me.
where did shame begin?
Shame is a topic that I’ve explored a great deal these past 2 years. Shame entered the world with Adam and Eve, with their eyes being opened after disobedience to God. They realized their nakedness…. But in this, there was a good purpose. It was a recognition of the reality that we hold goodness within us and it must be protected.
For many of us, our dignity was violated and then further violated. Others saw our vulnerability and took advantage of it. We were used BECAUSE we were already hurt and wounded.
Our minds and bodies carry the shame that should belong to others. When this happens, there is no good purpose in shame. It becomes distorted and then grows exponentially when we keep it secret; when we stay hidden.
goodness within
As we do the hard work and peel away layer after layer of the effects of trauma, we find the truth that beneath all of the shame is intrinsic goodness that must be protected. We all have dignity within us. Yes, it is violated, it is hurt, it is damaged – sometimes by others, sometimes by our own choices.
But our dignity, our intrinsic goodness remains. It needs to resurface and it needs to be protected.
I was meant for more
The pain in our hearts from those who hurt us can make us quickly lose touch with our dignity. When we struggle beneath the layers of shame we are pulled into darkness that hides our dignity. It doesn’t take long for us to forget that we were created for so much more than this. We were not created for shame and darkness. We were not meant to live in secrecy and isolation.
My dignity was wounded. I was violated by others. But now I am taking the hard steps to be seen, to be known, to be loved by others, even with the secrets I carried. Taking step after step in allowing myself to be seen and helped by others is also allowing God’s light to again shine within me.
This week I told some of my secrets of abuse to a room full of women I trust. I was scared. I rarely ever share stories of my past, and especially not the parts where I’ve carried great shame. But this week I took a risk. I trusted others. And in the end, they still loved me. They thanked me. The next morning I woke up feeling especially vulnerable, wondering if I had made a huge mistake. But I also felt incredibly lighter. Free. It wasn’t a mistake. This was my life and my story.
There is still goodness in me. There always was, even in my deepest moments of shame. And there is goodness in you. You are always worth loving.
Isaiah 50: 5-9
The Lord GOD opens my ear that I may hear;
and I have not rebelled,
have not turned back.
I gave my back to those who beat me,
my cheeks to those who plucked my beard;
my face I did not shield
from buffets and spitting. The Lord GOD is my help,
therefore I am not disgraced;
I have set my face like flint,
knowing that I shall not be put to shame.
He is near who upholds my right;
if anyone wishes to oppose me,
let us appear together.
Who disputes my right?
Let that man confront me.
See, the Lord GOD is my help;
who will prove me wrong?